Self​-​Titled

by The Trying

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06:30

credits

released 14 February 2014

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about

The Trying Cincinnati, Ohio

The Trying is a solo music project from Chris Kaetzel. I blend sounds from a wide array of genres and influences to create a unique sound to encapsulate a myriad of emotions and topics. My lyrics are always genuine, no matter the content, and that is a major driving force behind The Trying. ... more

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Track Name: My Narrow Concept of Jealousy
I can’t take anymore
This is my confession
Pardon my aggression
This depression, regression, repression
Has been killing my expression
My obsession with progression has been leaving me with the impression that there is no time for decompression
Pardon my alliteration
But this aggravation
That I want to bring me to liberation
Maybe it deserves some reconsideration
Due to the isolation
The commiseration
The frustration
The desperation
I apologize for the non-cooperation
That has been causing so much exasperation
I apologize
For my absence
The avoidance
I am just trying
To be someone
To be something

My narrow concept of jealousy will kill me
I just want a legacy
People to remember me
Rejecting mediocrity
Impact
Affect
I just want to
Be something
That inspires you
So this is my
Last attempt
To start a fire
If it
Doesn’t
Catch on
I don’t know
What will happen
To my dreams
In my mind
I know that
Everything
That I have
Is all that
I could have
Asked for
But my dreams eat my heart away
I’m sorry
To all of
Those who I
Love with all
Of my heart
If I have
Made you feel less important
I am solving this puzzle
I’m trying
To slow things
Down, even though
Everything
Seems to be
Coming so
Quickly through my brain
I’m too overwhelmed to stop
Track Name: The Color of Culture Rot: Her Lustful Commodification (Violet's Service)
Just a little more than the last time

Whatever it takes to reach the high
(Relief) – The less the junk is cut the longer her wrist aren’t

She doesn’t get sick any more Daddy says it’s bad for business
She has to look healthy, no matter how hungry

Trying all she can to survive this tricky world

Crash and burn

Fallen on her back where she cannot move until it’s over
Being filled up with emptiness
She can feel snake bites hiss
Trying to ignore his breath on her neck, it makes her so sick
Living this way is expensive, if that is what this is

She used to dream of demons
Now she dreams things obscene in her living nightmare

Killing the child that her father destroyed
She feels him inside her, tearing up her body
Her heart made so fragile
Regrets are all she has since she fell

(Memories) – She can remember, once upon a time

Before this

Her abjection had been finalized
Free to pursue what she idolized
Free as a feral child to roam
Plunged herself into this new home

Just one taste is all it takes
Just so easy to raise the stakes
He is the sculptor and she is the shape
She is the victim and he is the rape

She’s the product of culture rot
It’s so much deeper than she thought
Darker than she dreamed it would get
Fantasizing about her wrists

She remembers, he’s finally done
She walks over to her dresser
Opens the drawer and pulls it out
An image of a different life

And then she pulls the needle out
Time to drown away all these doubts
Why God have you forsaken me?
Why father have you forgotten me?

She never wanted this
She never asked for this
She never had a chance
(Cursed) This story was written by something much greater
The words of that lady echo loudly through her head every now and then

What if she was right and there’s something
(Greater) Greater than a series of terrible choices

Waking up
Track Name: Sex Cells
The sound of her lips as they draw the poison out consoles me like a lullaby
Creep asleep

My dreams revolve around my absence
The insects devour my disembodiment
No rhyme
No reason
Drunk
My crime
My treason
Regret
This grime
Hot season
Decay
This climb
Of the demon
Out of hell

The form of her hips are the mirror of reality in my heart
Cruel ventricle

This garden has bloomed corpse flowers
A perfume of unlovely effigies emanate
Like the piss of an angel
No time
Defeated
Junk
Her prime
My heathen
Reset
My chime
Adhesion
Defray
See I’m
Depleted
My farewell

(sex cell)
My love
Sick of
Sort of
Void of
Cut me
Marquee
Would be
Peacefully

(sex cell)
My heart
Take part
Restart
Impart
You!
Fix me
Deplete
Excrete
The inconsistencies
(sex cell)
My skin
Has been
Within
My sin
Cocoon
Attune
How soon
Will I come through?

(sex cell)
My soul
Black hole
Control
Console
Me!
Destroy
Decoy
Enjoy
Me!
Track Name: Ghostly Manipulator, Stillborn Marionette
Wish I had nothing to lose
Perpetually suspending close to the bottom
Never allowing myself to fall all the way
Never allowing myself to climb too far up

A shell of someone who never even existed

Roaming in my head
The only place I’m courageous enough to know
Conjuring infinite distractions that bring shame upon exposure

The guilty flower
Inebriating devour
Drowning the pleads of yesterday with today
The guilty flower
Inebriating devour
Diminishing tomorrow in the weakest of ways

A suicide pact is an inevitable death wish
A sentimental agreement is yearned for
I want you as vulnerable as I am to my own animals and daily infanticide

If it’s too late, then there’s no reason to continue
All of the bread crumbs have been consumed by time

There is a light but I am imprisoned in a cell made of mirrors
Every angle clear, but the source, a mystery
There’s no way but everywhere and nothing from here

Composite lethargy, dreamer
Romantic warfare and everybody becomes paralyzed
Post-traumatic from missed opportunities
A force never to be reckoned with
Never any force
Drowning my sorrows in distractions
I am nothing more than potential energy

If I’m here, I’m stagnant,
If I’m here, I’m safe,
If I’m here, I’m useless
I’m stuck here

My inaction has brought me to this place
Making it so hard to face you now
My infection has brought us to this fate
This is all my mistake

I never wanted this
Such an opportunity you missed
Should have never come back
Now you’ll pay for it
Nothing more than a dream is all I will ever be
Nothing more than a theory, never becoming reality
I’d be better off without me
I’d be better off without me
Cause baby, I’m a dreamer
And when I wake up I want to die
Cause baby, I’m a loser
And when I win, it’s in my mind
Track Name: The Color of Culture Rot: Loudness Whore (Violet's Collapse)
Dragon’s breath
Taking her away from here like never before

She cannot see the world in front of her
Spiraling down and she was grasping for the ground to hold her

Was too late
Couldn’t stop the world falling down on her

Seen too much
Heard too much
Felt too much
Hurt too much
“It’s in god’s hands now”, she thought
The inevitable change in plot

The world falling down on her
That was the day she overdosed on the world

They asked her if she was alright, if she was breathing
But all of their concern just sounded like teasing
She could feel her life leaving her fainting body
Was too late
Couldn’t stop the world falling down on her
Chorus
Seen too much
Heard too much
Felt too much
Hurt too much
“It’s in god’s hands now”, she thought
The inevitable change in plot

The world falling down on her
That was the day
Was the day

She over
Dosed on
The world
Track Name: Ambien Lighting In The Exit Bag
Going through the motions
That which I have built are crashing
In on me

Feel like suicide today, if I could just sleep forever

My energy has gone everywhere except where it should go and now I have nothing
My heart is black from smoke
My soul is almost broken
My head is numb from thinking
About nothing other than what should have been

If I could close my eyes and never wake again, I’d say goodbye to you and you could listen to my heartbeat end
No more weakness or fear
If this is something no one can hear, then be happy for me, because I had no place here

Darkness encompasses me as I can no longer stand
My deathgrip on the façade I built, loosening
So, for everytime I lied
Acted as if I didn’t know
I apologize to myself as I fulfill my destiny

Never again
Never once
Never lived
Never
Always lying
Always dead
Always sad
Always
Track Name: etaoin shrdlu
My clocks are spinning so fast
Where have you gone?
Useless tools to build me
I’ve lost
The sky is endless
You’re round
You’re lost
I’m found through the haze of infinity
Your cowardice has infected me
These possibilities mean nothing
Just debt
Just stagnation
These faults are yours
The future is clay
Sculpt it
Let not my death be in vein

I’m hardening
Can’t feel a thing
I’m paralyzed
By the choices you gave
Your grand fear is keeping you here
Your child has done his job

My betrayal suffocates me
Asphyxiation by fear

This wasn’t easy for me
Remember everything we went through
You fetishize your past before you grow
Before you know
Your future was always a dream

I am the catalyst for your self-hate
I am the fire inside that motivates
I have failed
My illusion – thinly veiled
But I continue
More things to destroy me, I include
I hate what you went through
I hate what you left me
I hate what you were
I hate what I’ve become
I hate what you went through
I hate what you left me
I hate what you were
I hate what I’ve become
Track Name: The Ultimate Hybristophile
I want to eat you alive
To consume that which I am, but do not own
Face deep in your glory
That which hides the source of your expulsion
So soft and warm in this forbidden paradise
Your possession, my obsession – the ultimate covet

She’s clawing inside me
Eating my substitute brain
and regurgitating permanence
My body rejects her wishes

But I welcome her assault
I am the ultimate hybristophile

While my body rejects the truth, I will scream
Like a square puzzle piece
Nothing is holding me here except
Foreign support

And I know it
And I’m scared
And I react
And I have grown accustom to this mark

You are in no danger
Except for the abduction
of one of your reflections
I will not harm, but I will make payments

What I hate and what you are are all commodities
I am forced into submission by this reality
Forced to react and self scan the UPC on this counter culture

There is no science
There is no philosophy
that could stop me from loving you
From wanting you

I inhale your romanticized beauty and I exhale it’s death
I convert energy through a process known as hypocrisy

I want to break this mirror and choke to death on the shards and be reconstructed a different version of you and I, and not die

I want you to kiss yourself, to breathe yourself, to see yourself, to fuck yourself
I will be your distorted reflection
Track Name: All You Can Eat (Masochistic Buffet)
If I could only summon my memories of you and bring them to life
Immerse myself in a world where you were still alive
I would take advantage of every childish nervousness
I would live my hearts’ secrets with no regret

We acknowledged the tension as if it didn’t exist
But you know, it’s all I ever wanted
If I could have waived our fear, it would have been done, no holding back
If I could have waived our fear, then I would still be there instead of here

And I want you
To do every
thing that you want
To do to me

The “what if”s we’ll never know
My aching heart tells me so
That my wishes hold mostly questions
My aching heart tells me so
That my questions hold mostly wishes

I can see backwards, romantic brush strokes, I paint a willing smile on your face
We’re never really exposed, I suppose that’s how it goes, but you can take me

Spreading eagle
Pin me
Up against something heavy
Draw a target around me

Put me naked behind a glass case
Diagram with labels
Then break the glass

Feed upon me
Taste the envy
Covet
Stored within me
Consume my poison

Open my mouth
Spit my poisen back in
Swallow it
We can begin this all again
Track Name: Something Cold, Things Askew, Something Hollow, Things Untrue
Let’s dance
Let’s drink
Let’s fuck
And sing
Let go
You know
It’s all
Too much to breathe

Shot of jag
Shot of gold
Shot of 151
4 or 5 of these and I’ll get a party on
And I won’t stop
‘Til I almost throw up
Get to that point where I’ll fuck ‘till the sun comes up
Yeah girl, lemme hear that dirty talk
I’ll spit it right back at you, fuck that shit up
Let’s get that four on the floor
Foreplay on the floor
This is perfect, don’t want to wake up

We’re all in an alternate reality
Wondering if anyone else feels like me
You don’t know? Well we can see:
Wanna fuck? (yeah)
Wanna dance? (yeah)
Wanna push the boundaries? (what do you mean?)
“Ah shit, I shouldn’t say. Is this the happiest you can remember being recently?”
“No”
Well you’re not ready to party like me

Love it when I don’t feel like me at all
You see, it’s all too much to breathe
Too insecure to be myself without help
But I can transform into the real me

I want you to take advantage of my vulnerability

I want those pheromones
I want to be wrapped around those bones
Venture into the unknown
Consume you and become a clone

So much flesh around me, bare
Heart beat, drum beat, intoxicant
I’m shredding up your diary
What’s in this song, stays in this song

This skin is a sin
This flesh is death
It feels like there is nothing left
Need something to take me away from here
I know it’s not the best
Want to let me id go
So damn tired of my ego
But where am I supposed to go?
When poor construction is all I know?
I want to spread you apart
No holding back, here’s where the fun starts
I want you as vulnerable
As I want to be
Track Name: Zero Stroke
Verse 1
It’s about to get dark
Darker than before
About to go further down
This rabbit hole and show you more
About these thoughts of pain
Been tearing up my brain
Past the point of insane
These demons have free rein

Swimming through that deep shit
That shit where you act like you don’t know what you want to do
Ignoring the screams from deep inside of you
Begging you to just be true, to just go through with what it is that you always knew
What it is that you were meant to do
I don’t believe in destiny, but this thing inside of me is too weak to subdue

Spent my whole life lying to myself, lying to everyone who asked me what I wanted to do
When I told you that I didn’t know, that was never true
‘Cause not so deep inside, I always knew
But I just kept failing myself
Breaking myself
Changing myself
Faking myself
Hating myself
Training myself to think that what I needed was someone or something else

Never had the confidence
Never could find the strength
To pursue this essence
Just live life as a sentence

Music has flown through my soul
Since I was 4 years old
That’s 19 years of repression
Now let me take you through this progression

Bridge
Never let myself feel in place
What a waste
Could have had something great
Instead I just sit here and wait
For someone else to realize
The world through my eyes
While I wear a disguise

Chorus 1
Locked in this world
I’m by myself
All alone
Give myself to you
But I’m still unknown
I have these ideas
But I can’t keep listening to these songs
Cause I know I’m beaten

Verse 2
Now let’s get real
Down and dirty
No more being abstract
Going to tell you how it is
And I want to be exact
The anxiety that has been building up
Should be enough to give me a heart attack

A couple years ago I got to the point where going through the motions was no longer enough
But that’s all I had ever done
Didn’t know how to stop
Still wasn’t brave enough to follow my heart

Started soul searching with my fucking eyes shut
This dream, that dream, this idea, so what?
I can get excited about anything
And follow through with nothing

Sitting there, every fucking night, 8 hours of death as my violent thoughts could never rest
Hiding my tears as my heart tries to rip out of my fucking chest

I knew I had betrayed myself, betrayed my child, was betraying my future
Got to the point where I couldn’t even listen to music without feeling like a failure

That’s supposed to be me!
That’s supposed to be me!
That’s supposed to be me!
That’s supposed to be me!
I am nothing
Verse 3
So low
Down
How have I let myself drown?
One paxil
One sleeping pill
Two sleeping pill
Three sleeping pill
One Benadryl
Two Benadryl
One melatonin
Two melatonin
1 shot
2 shot
3 shots of whiskey
That should be enough to get me to sleep
Yeah baby, that’s just where I want to be
I don’t want to drift into my dreams
I wanna be forced unwillingly
Cause all I can do is lay here anxiously
And think about everything I’m not going to be
These dark thoughts are getting progressively
Bleaker and I’m thinking about things permanently
What have I done so far?
This shit’s bizarre
Look at these scars
I’m supposed to be a motherfucking star
Instead I’m sitting here dwelling on the past
Examining the failure that I’ve amassed
When I go, I know that I will go fast
And then I will be free at last
I apologize if this is the last song you ever hear from me
But just know, this was destiny