Listening For A Heartbeat EP

by The Trying

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credits

released January 19, 2017

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about

The Trying Cincinnati, Ohio

The Trying is a solo music project from Chris Kaetzel. I blend sounds from a wide array of genres and influences to create a unique sound to encapsulate a myriad of emotions and topics. My lyrics are always genuine, no matter the content, and that is a major driving force behind The Trying. ... more

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Track Name: A Letter to the Ones
I hate you and everything you are
I hate all of you
I shake with rage from your mastery, ignorance, and hypocrisy

Stop laughing at my issues
It's not funny

How do you think I feel every time I see where my life has become?
I hate you
I'm just bleeding for your amusement

I'm just screaming, hating, getting frustrated because you are amused

I despise all of you unsupportive pricks who add a brick to the wall everytime I scream
It's not funny
I die inside while you use my frustrations

as oxygen masks
I want you to die
I hate all of you with a passion
Tell me it's my overreaction so I rejoin the abuse

The circle of myself continues
One more layer to the wall, adding to my determination to break it, yet lessening the strength

to do so, increasing the anger
Stop your wise remarks, your analyzations, and your criticism
It was never like this before
I now know I hurt because I'm your whore
The death of my loved ones never hurt me before
The death of me, BY YOU!!!, makes me want to kill

But who loves me anyway?
They all did but you
Now I want to forget you
You were never anything but a depressant
You've shattered my self-image into oblivion, shattering my confidence and self-esteem
You're soul-destroying killers

I hate you
I'll try and leave
I know I have to, to survive
I have learned so much writing this
I think I have found my escape

I will now pay you the negligence of love you've shown me
I will now pay you the negligence of love you've shown me
Prepare to be invisible
Prepare to be invisible
Prepare to be invisible
Prepare to be invisible
Prepare to be invisible
Prepare to be invisible
Prepare to be invisible
Prepare to be invisible
I despise all of you unsupportive pricks who add a brick to the wall every time I scream
It's not funny
I die inside while you use my frustrations

as oxygen masks
as oxygen masks
as oxygen masks
as oxygen masks
Track Name: Guilt From Death
--Verse 1--
Stop it with your see-through lies
Clear disguise
Grasp so tight
And it just kills me inside
Make me die
Realize how much you harm heart and soul - don't you know?

--Bridge 1--
I am only here so you can feel free
To exorcise your demons
And give them all to me
And so my happiness can't see

--Bridge 2--
What if I ended this disaster?
What promises would it break?
What if I ended this disaster?
How much guilt could it make?

--Chorus 1--
I don't want to write a note
I don't want to sign in blood
But I want to give you guilt
I'm ready and willing to do so

--Verse 2--
Bring it now
I feel hate
I'm irrate
I will give it all back now
Feel my rage
Opened cage
Vein-filled hate
Death too simple
You're too real
I do feel

--Bridge 1--
I am only here so you can feel free
To exorcise your demons
And give them all to me
And so my happiness can't see

--Chorus 1--
I don't want to write a note
I don't want to sign in blood
But I want to give you guilt
I'm ready and willing to do so

--Verse 3--
Should I bring all this to an end?
Do I want to see you again?
All I want is you to feel guilt
All I want is you to hate you

I want you to live with yourself
I want all your days to be Hell
I don't ever want you to rest
I hope this guilt drives you to death

No, 'cause that would mean you won
I can't let any of you think that
If I died I'd never get to
See your face when you need me

--Chorus 2--
I don't want to write a note
I don't want to sign in blood
But I want to give you guilt

--Bridge 3--
What if I brought these words to life?
Could you go on knowing you made me die?
What if I brought these words to life?
It doesn't matter
I won't
You're not worth it
Track Name: Infinite Infant (2015)
Verse 1
Way back a million years ago
The palm trees were flooded, I know
But in terror, we hugged and laughed
Through these trials, we were attached
Now what do we have?
Distance, the internet, and it bad
Now when do I break?
I’m too busy not to be fake

Chorus
I’m just an infant in a blue collar
I’m just an infant who acts smarter
I’m just an infant losing the battle
I’m just an infant lost to the chattle
I’m just infinite infant
Verse 2
I stare straight into the sun
As in the valley, I plunge
I see faces of ghosts
Of those who always meant the most
Now what do I want?
So much of what I’ve got
Now why is that not enough?
It’s never enough

Chorus

Verse 3
I don’t want to settle but I don’t know what’s better than this
(In a blue collar)
But I just can’t help thinking that something is missing
(Who acts smarter)
Nothing I’m doing seems to be taking me where I want to go
(Losing the battle)
Help me, I can’t breath, I’m drowning slowly
(Lost to the chattle)
I’m just infinite infant
Track Name: Intoxicant
--Verse 1--
Back together
It's been awhile
Let's see how tight
We can wrap our problems

We've always been
On the same wavelength
And the connection
Has grown stronger

--Bridge--
Was slipping so far
So far under myself
You picked me up
You're still holding me

--Chorus--
What path will you take me?
I seem to trust in you
I don't know what to say
Will your guidance stay?

--Verse 2--
You're dysfunction
Will numb my pain
But it's still there
It doesn't go away

I am so sure
You are positive
And that your actions
Make a good friend

repeat bridge
repeat chorus

--Verse 3--
You defend everything I do wrong
I never object to the things I disagree
But for right now I like this high
I'll give you the honor I feel you deserve
Track Name: Between Us Queens
Verse
My heart aches for those drives
All those days, all those nights
You and I
And all else so nearby

Everything was so real
Fun, depression, desire
Our spirits
An unquellable fire

Bridge
Who are we? Who are we?

Chorus
We didn't know who we were
But we weren't afraid
To be whoever
We wanted to be

To be whoever we wanted
To be who we wanted

Verse 2
Remember the freedom to crumble?
When we were there for each others weakness?
Now we just stuff it down
There's just no time for it
Tick tick tick drown
This is it, this is it

Verse 3
The fear of losing you
The fear of memories and their control
I've feared growing old since I was young
I'm drowning in fear. Choking on my tongue.
Track Name: Halfway Room
Act 1
The room closed it's eyes so we could explore
Our clothes in gentle piles on the floor
Our hearts beating in different times
Wanting to commit beautiful crimes

I can remember the thunder and lightning
All around us, and from you, and from me, striking
Selfishly wanting you to take me
I resisted so as not to scare you away

Chorus
Meet me half way
Let you feel that way
Meet me half way
Help me feel that way

Verse 2
Our voyeurs aren't watching us here tonight
Trying to mime out what feels right
Some bodies are ready to continue this show
And some others have gone as far as they'll go

Were you shocked when his boundaries collapsed?
Shocked by how minute was the impact
Did you swallow something you're still digesting?
Is it something your heart is still protecting?

Verse 3

That new sense of freedom, my heroin
The pursuit of sharing something genuine
This hedon, this sinner, this reflection
I want your love but need your affection
Track Name: Sunrise, Sunset (Bright Eyes cover)
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Swiftly go the days.
Sunrise, sunset.
You wake up, then you undress.
It always is the same.
The sunrise and the sunsets.
You are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
The sunrise and the sunsets
You realize then you forget what you've been trying to retain.

But everybody knows that it is all about the things
That get stuck inside of your head,
Like the songs your roommate sings
Or a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed.
She raised her hands in the air, asked you,
When was the last time you looked in the mirror?
Cause you've changed.
Yeah, you've changed.

Sunrises, sunsets.
You're hopeful then you regret.
The circle never breaks.
With a sunrise and a sunset there's a change of heart or address.
Is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You're manic or you're depressed.
Will you ever feel ok?
For a sunrise or a sunset, your lover is an actress.
Did you really think she'd stay?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You're either coming or you just left but you're always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It's a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There is no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.

But everything you do is leading to the point
Where you just won't know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
But there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it's true, the trick is complete.
Become everything you said you never would be.
You're a fool! You're a fool!

Sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise and the sunsets.
Sunrise, sunset, sunrises, sunsets.
Sunrise and the sunsets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Go home to your apartment
And put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play.
Sunrise, sunset.
Where are you Arienette?
Where are you Arienette?
Track Name: Rot
Verse 1
I can spare no time
Got too much to kill
Think about why I'm
Going so downhill
So fixated on
My yesterdays
Looking for a new dawn
To keep my old ways

My life is a journey
With so many paths
Constantly guiding me
Straight into its wrath
I want my old pain
Want to feel again
But I can't abstain
I don't know - I don't know how to live for today
I am stuck in the past
I don't know - I don't know how to live for today
No hope tomorrow
Nothing to look forward to - nothing to look forward to
Just have another drink
Nothing to look forward to - nothing to look forward to
No fire left burning
It's the same every day
Black tomorrow
Covet yesterday
There's no meanwhile
Just lost time
There's no meanwhile
Just lost time



Chorus
Here we go again
Another failed attempt
To say something of value
To feel something true

Verse 2
Look at you
How could you
Do this? You
Who are you?

That mirror
Is getting
Unbearable, isn't it?
What have you done with our talents?
Absolutely nothing
What are you doing about it?
Now you're stuck
We used to be a friend - We used to be a friend
Now you're fucking selfish
Do you remember when that was all that mattered?
Now how do you treat your loved ones?
Drinking, eating, working, sleeping, just surviving
Where did our future go?
I can't believe that our worst fear is now here
Where did our future go?
It's the same every day
Black tomorrow
Covet yesterday
There's no meanwhile
Just lost time
There's no meanwhile
Just lost time

Chorus
Here we go again
Another failed attempt
To say something of value
To feel something true
Verse 3
I cannot see this heart break any more you have to lift us up from the floor

Remember who you are
Say your name
What does it mean?
It's not a game
Today's the day
You've gotta change your ways

But every time I try it just gets snuffed
There's this rot inside me stuffed deep down

Growing everyday/Rot
Track Name: Eighteen
Like a trapped spirit, my past haunts me
When we were weak, when we were free
Creeping through the window just so we
Could share our lives and share our dreams

These memories
Will die hard
My broken envy
Leaves myself scarred

This fixation
This fire I feel
This elation
It's not real

I loved and hated the havoc that was wreaked
Hearts on our sleeves that we stole just like thieves
Unlearning the rules we carved into the trees
Learning who we wanted to be

We were so green but nothing pristine
Falling apart together until we had to restart
Each moment piling up like omens
But all of those hours were cherished, were ours

These memories
Will die hard
My broken envy
Leaves myself scarred

This fixation
This fire I feel
This elation
It's not real

I was so relieved to get out
But it hurts so bad without
Whatever drove me away back then
I forget, I just want to be back in
Track Name: Place of Putrefaction
ntering a hated place
I don't want to see their face
So much joy comes when I leave
But when I'm there, with anger I seeth

I wonder what it'll be like this time
It was so bad before
I wonder if I will survive
I started death last time

--Bridge--
So many people
No one I want to see
Stupidity and drama
There, it exists to be

--Chorus--
Clear eyes make me sad sometimes
Clear eyes make me feel despise
As I watch I have to laugh
I laugh to cover up the loss of hope

--Verse 2--
I hate that there are two sections
Positive and negative
I have to deal with side effects
Even though all of them make me sick

I don't want to go back to this place
My freedom ends so soon
I don't want to start hating again
But I have no choice in this place
Track Name: Torn and Tossed (2015)
Came home, unexpectedly, to a door knob turning in my hand
I heard my mother say, “she called”, and I ran
My hands were shaking as I recalled how to dial a phone
Here it is, here it goes, the end of being alone

She said, “I was so scared before, but now I’m not anymore”
And all I could muster up was, “that’s good”
I guess things like this bring a loss of words

I talked to her as she gathered up here things from drawers
And the beeping from the open car door pierced my composure
So she drove away and found a place to stay
She wasn’t scared anymore

So I went to the station and purchased my round-trip ticket
And got on the bus talking to her with a sick feeling of spirit
On the first stop, I receive a call, “they found me”
I turn back around, never more let down, and all I could do was weep

And with that everything surfaced that I feared
Everything that she seemed to make disappear
I rang out my eyes from my loss
The lifetime achievement that I once held, torn away, now tossed

She said, “despite everything, I hope you’ve been smiling a lot
don’t worry too much
We’ll always be here for each other.
I love you”

And it was as if my harness had loosened its’ knots
I was free to begin this plunge of my law
I took the letter I wrote back to you and tried to make a song
But it wasn’t music and it wouldn’t allow itself to be anything but raw

And now I’m so scared to be alone by myself
I’m sitting here on the bed that was to be yours
Inside the room, that too, was to be yours
This perpetual state of emptiness creates a dangerous tension

And now this story has reached a brand new peak
Of optimism and self-mutilation
Track Name: Far Away
I've been wanting to write this song for eight years
This is for the part of me that will never move on
Not from her, or her, but from me
~
That passion, that youth, that fire
I feel it like a past life and I've lost my essence
So long distant and then a doppleganger's attempted murder
But I could tell the difference
~
And as I spoke with my kindred spirit my fervor grew

I left with my brothers, despite the sincerest objection
Without a real plan we made it work
~
So many friends received my constant streaming
Three days passed and my tattered heart was all I had to show for it
And when I returned back home, I knew I had to try again
~
Where did that part of me go?

Chorus
There's no heavier burden I carry than that of the
Weight of the potential I used to have

Forever would not color us red
It all would be over soon
There was your voice
There was your courage
~~~
It was time again to come to you
"They found me"
It was time again to come home
~~~
Life had never been more surreal
I just wanted to end it all
Some things never change
~~~
But when I saw all of you
I remembered what I hadn't lost
Despite what had been torn and tossend

Chorus
There's no heavier burden I carry than that of the
Weight of the potential I used to have

Verse 3

And each day became a battle and at times I couldn't be left alone
Driving alone those nights
~
Starting that fire
But I had a new heart and an old heart
And I fell in love in the least romantic way possible
~
Our crutches, our poisons
But that night it got too heavy for me
And I left when I shouldn't have
And I'm sorry
~
You are the realest thing I've ever known
We had to quit
Everything, all of it had to pass
~
But there's nothing that I want more
Than to have that summer back
Track Name: I'm Infected
Verse 1
how do I fix all these things?
should I just cut all these heart strings?
I thought home was all I wanted
But it's my past that's haunted

Webs are woven inside my chest
Drown me in distress
My freedom confines myself
In pursuit of some notion of wealth

Chorus
I've sacrificed the wrong things
And acquired this void of feelings
My world and my soul, disconnected
Growing older and sicker, i'm still infected

Verse 2
I've been sick, but so strong
Just trying to prolong
These clouds are my catalyst
The death of an idealist

Every day's almost an overdose
Ignoring demons and ghosts
While they destroy my worth
While they cast my curse

Verse 3
There's no more assurance
That I'm going to win
Diagnosis abhorrent
See my soul wince
There's no more assurance
There's no more assurance
There's no more assurance
There's no way to win