Suicide Pact demo

by The Trying

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released June 15, 2013

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The Trying Cincinnati, Ohio

The Trying is a solo music project from Chris Kaetzel. I blend sounds from a wide array of genres and influences to create a unique sound to encapsulate a myriad of emotions and topics. My lyrics are always genuine, no matter the content, and that is a major driving force behind The Trying. ... more

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Track Name: Hooray for the Pizen Squad!
Pharamones – making – you so – delicious
Filling my soul – full of wishes
You have what I need to have, not what I need to borrow (in triplets)
I need to wear you like my own skin
I need to be you, need to commit sin
You’ve never felt a love like this
She fucked me and I’m bearing her image from within

From within

Chorus
Need to feel you
Need to see you
Need to touch you
Need to be you
Falling apart every moment I am not like you
Addicted to the feminine
Attracted to the edited
Don’t think that I don’t understand
I want you for all the wrong reasons

Verse 2
I’m as superficial as they come
As animal as they come
As hungry as they come
But I would never harm you
I just want to be inside you
Won’t you come inside me?
You’re all I want to be
My lust for you, I want for myself too
You’re my god as I create my image in the form of you
I adore you, want to eat you, want to consume you, want to be you

Want to be you

Verse 3
Your beauty – magnetic
My insides are wretched
Your scent – intoxicant
Your lovely eyes enchant
I will always love you
Please make me feel it too

Outro
Hate this body, help me get free
Track Name: Ghostly Manipulator, Stillborn Marionette
Wish I had nothing to lose
Perpetually suspending close to the bottom
Never allowing myself to fall all the way
Never allowing myself to climb too far up

A shell of someone who never even existed

Roaming in my head
The only place I’m courageous enough to know
Conjuring infinite distractions that bring shame upon exposure

The guilty flower
Inebriating devour
Drowning the pleads of yesterday with today
The guilty flower
Inebriating devour
Diminishing tomorrow in the weakest of ways

A suicide pact is an inevitable death wish
A sentimental agreement is yearned for
I want you as vulnerable as I am to my own animals and daily infanticide

If it’s too late, then there’s no reason to continue
All of the bread crumbs have been consumed by time

There is a light but I am imprisoned in a cell made of mirrors
Every angle clear, but the source, a mystery
There’s no way but everywhere and nothing from here

Composite lethargy, dreamer
Romantic warfare and everybody becomes paralyzed
Post-traumatic from missed opportunities
A force never to be reckoned with
Never any force
Drowning my sorrows in distractions
I am nothing more than potential energy

If I’m here, I’m stagnant,
If I’m here, I’m safe,
If I’m here, I’m useless
I’m stuck here

My inaction has brought me to this place
Making it so hard to face you now
My infection has brought us to this fate
This is all my mistake

I never wanted this
Such an opportunity you missed
Should have never come back
Now you’ll pay for it
Nothing more than a dream is all I will ever be
Nothing more than a theory, never becoming reality
I’d be better off without me
I’d be better off without me
Cause baby, I’m a dreamer
And when I wake up I want to die
Cause baby, I’m a loser
And when I win, it’s in my mind
Track Name: 288-141
I knew a girl
Her name was Rebecca
Or Amber
I’m not sure
I knew a girl
I couldn't pick her out of a lineup
I don’t remember her voice
I don’t even remember what color hair she had
She rode home on her bike one day
After she told me she’d be right back
I hope that she is still alive
I know a woman
I remember a child
I knew a father that left one day
He has never come back
I knew a girl
Whose ghost must haunt him
Like waking up in vomit from a bad night of drinking
Except this time, he drank himself paralyzed
He drank me paralyzed
I knew friends
I knew parents who took those friends away from me
I made new friends
I knew babysitters
I knew inquiry
I knew what I had been told

I wish I had
Wish I had
Not fallen for this shit
I’m swimming in it
I’m swimming in it
I can’t get out from under this
It’s toxic

I knew a prison visiting room
I remember the dark, pseudo-wooden tables
I remember the vending machines
I remember the door I would stare at eagerly
That stood next to what I used to know as a judge’s booth
Waiting for an emerging man that I knew
After he was strip-searched

I remember knowing what I knew
I remember alcohol and a vehicle
And perhaps many repeated offences

I remember my world collapsing
I knew something that I couldn't comprehend

Something that a nine year old could never comprehend
I knew a Rebecca
Or Amber
I knew her sisters

I remember puzzle pieces coming together
Not completely
But enough to reveal a picture I still hate to look at

I hope that she is still alive

I hope she has coped better than I have

As her mouth was filled with evil
My lungs were filled with semen
Our innocence formed an egg
But the implantation has not ceased
And has been multiplying
This is cancer

I wish I had
Wish I had
Not fallen for this shit
I’m swimming in it
I’m swimming in it
I can’t get out from under this
It’s toxic
Spoken
I hope that she has survived

I don’t know her name
I hope that she knows mine
Maybe she’ll find me one day
Maybe we can help each other put the puzzle together

God, I hope that she is still alive

I wish I had
Wish I had
Not fallen for this shit
I’m swimming in it
I’m swimming in it
I can’t get out from under this
It’s toxic
Track Name: The Ultimate Hybristophile
I want to eat you alive
To consume that which I am, but do not own
Face deep in your glory
That which hides the source of your expulsion
So soft and warm in this forbidden paradise
Your possession, my obsession – the ultimate covet

She’s clawing inside me
Eating my substitute brain
and regurgitating permanence
My body rejects her wishes

But I welcome her assault
I am the ultimate hybristophile

While my body rejects the truth, I will scream
Like a square puzzle piece
Nothing is holding me here except
Foreign support

And I know it
And I’m scared
And I react
And I have grown accustom to this mark

You are in no danger
Except for the abduction
of one of your reflections
I will not harm, but I will make payments

What I hate and what you are are all commodities
I am forced into submission by this reality
Forced to react and self scan the UPC on this counter culture

There is no science
There is no philosophy
that could stop me from loving you
From wanting you

I inhale your romanticized beauty and I exhale it’s death
I convert energy through a process known as hypocrisy

I want to break this mirror and choke to death on the shards and be reconstructed a different version of you and I, and not die

I want you to kiss yourself, to breathe yourself, to see yourself, to fuck yourself
I will be your distorted reflection
Track Name: Suicide Pact (One Of Us Has To Die)
You think you need me, but you don't
Rethink every thing good about me
I am an infant and you are my tantrum

There's no reason for this to continue
Don't let me pull you down to my level
I am a well and you are my last wish

If you love something let it go

Can you find a way that doesn't include me?
That way I can beg for what I already don't deserve
I am the nightmare you shouldn't chase

The wound will consume our union
Our union has consumed our choices
I am the fall pushing us to freedom

Now look at what it’s come to
The way my child failed
The way I failed my child
The way I failed you
My inaction tearing us down the way it makes itself known
The way I can’t look you in the eye
The way I have to disassociate to keep going
Pretend I’m not me, no identity is better than my own
When I return home, I want to leave
I’m making my own light to walk toward
I am only nothing where I exist

One of us has to die
One of us has to die
One of us has to die
One of us has to die
You’re witnessing the beginning of the end of a life
You’re witnessing a suicide pact tonight

You’re witnessing the beginning of the end of a life
You’re witnessing a suicide pact tonight
I know I have to die
If I ever hope to be alive

Bonded only by a desire to end it all, to stretch the idea of selfishness to as far as it will go
My demons have outgrown me, from infant to something competent
Keeping my mind full of hopes and dreams that would only ever derail me from reaching them
I can’t find the line where sympathy and accountability meet.
I’m in a dark region between where the scent of self loathing emanates off the fallen corpses of everyone I ever pretended to be or wanted to be
My only chance to make it out of this place is to crucify myself for my own sins and be resurrected to a brighter place
Until then, I continue to crawl on, knowing that I am an unsustainable process and eventually my resources, made of delusions and lethargy, will run dry, turning me into nothing but the result of involuntary muscle spasms
Either way, I won’t let that happen
So here it is, the end (center only)
Tonight, I kill the part of me that weighs me down, or the other way around
You’re witnessing the beginning of the end of a life
You’re witnessing a suicide pact tonight
One of us has to die