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The Most Delicate Muscle

by The Trying

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1.
2.
Violet 04:01
Black, but not cold Expensive, but not gold Such a pretty girl with a rainbow in her head A liar, but not a cheat Not broken, but you're beat And if you didn't hate yourself, you would finally see Violet has no heart Violet is so smart Violet is perplexed Violet is a wreck Tearing back and forth Thinking does not work She cannot cake up on her makeup quick enough to breath Violet is so sweet Violet is so weak Violet is a whore Violet is such a chore Violet, sweetheart, you are so beautiful Please keep it all in your stomach Violet, lovely, we all feel overwhelmed Please keep that razor away from your skin Violet, sweetness, the magazines and television are not real Please understand that's so far from the truth Violet, honey, your sexuality is not the only thing you have to give You know you're not ready to give it away Violet, you're special Violet, you're beautiful Violet, your mind's sharp Violet, such an innocent heart
3.
And this is just how it goes And this is just the way it's always been Magnetized hearts torn by circumstance All a part of this terrible fucking dance There's a hole tied behind bars The mouth drools desire at matter Let me see your sweet fucking heart Tear it away from contracting throat And my insides pucker from the bitterness Show my amazing hand just to lose, cunt My heart, hands, and hip bones turn green Kill me and wake me from this dream Tenderness that fearlessly lets itself puncture Air escapes that slut-heart vacuum Hold each other close and it's right Parasitic engulfing of what's so clear My eyes tear and tear Into an angry white tornado The crest breaks to reveal nudity All of this is an abandoned hoax Take it all away I'm fearless Predetermined I'm hopeless This place tears me apart It's always what would save me Maybe one day I'll be able To hold onto something I'm fucking worthless I can't get myself out of these messes There's a breaking of a dead soul Melt the lubricant from my putrid desire
4.
Triggers 04:35
You know what would spice up today? A little bit of tragedy If you were to die today It would complete my dream Gnaw my heartstrings to my liking The lining tears so comfortably I have this void I sometimes call home It's the most horrible place I have known Today I dreamt you dried to kill yourself And you made this frequent dream real The empty solace again twisted my health This is where I belong, in Hell Selfishly I'll take the anxiety away from you I need it so much more than you do I'm falling down and it distorts Here's my chance to make a choice To turn away or love what hurts I'll use this charred heart, not my voice
5.
Numb To Love 05:15
I have all of you, yet at times it feels like none of it matters, I'm by myself The emptiness just keeps driving all of everything and keeps me from loving life I know you all are there But it's so hard to see you I want so bad to feel you But I can't even feel me I owe my life to all of you But I don't even want it I just want to kill what This void has worked so hard to destroy Sad, sick and hopeless I'm so fucking sick Fucked, dead and drowning My whole is dead Weak, scared and shaking Will this ever go away? Torn, hurt and wilting I just want to stop hurting It hurts so bad I've been ripped off It hurts so bad I've been cut off It hurts so bad And I just can't Stop feeling so Fucking turned off It hurts so bad It’s like the closer I get to you, the more insignificant I become
6.
Deeper and deeper down Further and further away More black, more decay Less hope, less gray When the mirrors have sank And all the good draws blank You begin to raise your own rank As you drift to the bottom of the tank “I'm better, I'm better” You say as you wither Worms creep and they slither Remember, “I'm better” As you depart from the rest of the world A world that you and circumstance rejected You allow your loathsome self to unfurl The truth has never been more neglected Think of the standards To which you've obtained And no one else has They all should be ashamed Run to your elitism It will keep you safe And run from your fear There's nothing but truth there You pick apart all of them When it really is yourself Because you're just too afraid To admit that you need help
7.
He appeared so quickly I was comfortable He made sure that I was Because he cared for me He made my mother so happy And because of that He made me happy We were all happy And then he got sick He just got so sick And all of us did too But we were all happy Both of us had our problems The chemo fucked with him And my anger fucked with me I wished he would die And when I saw him taking pills When he thought no one was looking It flared me up greater than anything How could he do that to her? I watched you melt into that chair The ambulance came and took you away Was the overdose worth it? How good did that oxycontin feel? You went into the hospital For the last time on my birthday And that was the last time you'd be out You'd never grace our home again Mom would tell me things About how you were getting worse You were always getting worse I never thought much of it Then that morning I got a call He was taken to the ICU And that's where you stayed And that's where we stayed And it wasn't until I was with you Alone, beside your death bed Holding your hand and crying That you were my father So again, I lost my father That was it, I was done I'm never loving again I'm never fucking loving again
8.
Betrayal 04:58
You brought him into this place This place This safe place Our safe place And made it a fucking war zone I swallowed my tongue for you My tongue Swollen Bleeding And it kept me choking Gasping for air... You promised that would never happen But it spread rampant through our home Silent Nervous Dying I hate what was allowed to happen.... So I stayed away from there Our home His home No one's home I watched it dissolve into a house You let him tear me apart His words His hate My stitches I stitched all of it up for you You put me in a position That tore me apart For you? For me? I chose you I was convinced anything else Anything else was selfish I did nothing... I let him kill me, for you I tied my hands for you I ate my tongue for you I looked away for you I was betrayed by you Betrayed
9.
XX XY 02:36
XX XY XX XY Confused XX XY XX XY And trapped XX XY XX XY Inside XX XY XX XY Maybe It's been so long I have wondered if I Was inside something that was just so wrong It's something that has been dragging me down I can feel so disgusted by myself I've laid so long with both sides of people And I cannot say that I have preference With love and comfort I do chose one With myself, I feel I am the wrong thing Confusion riddles me so I wish I could just understand That way I could just live it Closer to accepting me Twist it, mix it, mold it, shun it, fear it I simply just feel like I'm in the wrong skin My eyes don't see who I feel I should be This is not even something I can give in Who am I and who do I love?
10.
Webs 03:07
Dramatic webs woven in wicked ways Wither and kill as they go away Top off the cake with bitter ice And melting feelings shout the vice Enter into the static chromatic influence And cut yourself on the hair, so fine Dramatic webs woven in wicked ways Wither and kill as they go away Chew on the cud that makes you whole Putting glee into your soul Minute quantity of winter air And there is just no way to share So I'll sit back with infinite patience And hope to hear, but I don't want to listen Staying sad isn't what I want, but it's right Despair is oh so cold and dark, like night Butterflies dance about And I want to be so happy But things are in the way Things we cannot say What circumstances have been dealt Slowing down what we've felt And if this was read, I wonder if they'd know Damn this solace that is woe Hearts, so desire and contract the mindless So burrowed and hallowed, kill the defiant So lovely and blue, such a pretty decision And these hearts take poisonous incisions Who shall mark this greed with hunger and lust? Can't drive such a heart to get caught in the muck And infinite, such braids of confusion And the hearts take poisonous infusions Rip off the scab and expose the cleanliness And wanting to rid such a horrible pretense Dive into the lake of serenified lobotomy And the hearts are poisonous inside of me Two days – objectify the touch Heartache – infatuated rust Inner – contactifiable Reason – just must let go And so pretty this ulcer is Getting in the way of everything Can I really feel these things? Happy discord confliction it brings Remembering things in abstract proportions Things that look like mental abortions And riddles of hate and anger do sing Why would I do such terrible things? A daunting revival of popular dramatics Mellow, so insane and in love with it Treason without ever defying a thing Things are negative and plentiful Finished intestines gleam with such beauty And so funny as I desire this for me And black spots and light spots, all the same Insane, insane, insane, insane I don't understand, this is so scary Filling my thoughts, making things buried And art chokes this throat and makes me fall But this makes me not able to recover at all Outside – this looks so sick Inside – it's not so bad when you're in Too bad – I never live inside Wonder – that is always my mind It's different when you're there 'Cause everybody cares And too real of an existence These things fall away into dispense
11.
I will cut my smile away I paste what doesn't fit to make me feel better Because it looks like it might... But the picture together Whole and where everything may need to be Feels unusually cold to me My infantile life support still is And I can't help but shine it But I feel like the autumn leaf Waiting to fall I find myself down, dark Filth I play in I love I slip to sadness.... And I will soar Soar within ruins free I will see everything I never cleaned up I will see what constrains me And I will soar Soar within ruins free I will see everything I never cleaned up I will see what constrains me I will cut my smile away I paste what doesn't fit to make me feel better Because it looks like it might... And I will fuck this taboo sore I create Just pile upon another mask I wish I could start from the beginning But know what I do now I'm laying next to the torn metal, torn We thought I was going to get up I'm laying next to the torn metal, torn We picked the glass from my face I'm laying next to the torn metal, torn We could've sworn we saw me walking I'm laying next to the torn metal, torn I'm laying torn And I will soar Soar within ruins free I will see everything I never cleaned up I will see what constrains me And I will soar Soar within ruins free I will see everything I never cleaned up I will see what constrains me Wallow and Wallow and Drown and I'll Wallow and Fuck me For trying to do so Seething and Seething and Seeing me Seething with Everything I never fixed You can't plant a tree on dead soil But we'll try to anyway You can't plant a tree on dead soil But it's the only soil we have You can't plant a tree on dead soil We could've sworn we saw it growing We did..... And I will soar Soar within ruins free I will see everything I never cleaned up I will see what constrains me I am as hopeless as the blindfold in which I tie myself. I am as hopeless as the blindfold in which I tie I am as hopeless as I I am not as hopeless as I feel I am not as hopeless as these perceptions I force myself to feel I am not as hopeless as these perceptions I force myself to feel because I need an excuse to be weak
12.
13.
Drowning the son As you stuck it in her mouth Drowning your son You were filling up my lungs Drowning your sun As you stuck it in their mouths Drowning my sun You were holding my nose Drowning the son And as you were taken away Drowning your son You secured all this pain Drowning your sun Shame and shit just came and came Drowning my sun The worst kind of change Drowning the son There goes my best friend Drowning your son There go all my friends Drowning your sun Mouth fucked my best friend Drowning my sun After I touched your skin Drowning the son The source of everything Drowning your son I keep losing anything Drowning your sun This keeps stabbing me Drowning my sun It lives inside of me Drowning the son I can see out your eyes Drowning your son I hate what it's done to me Drowning your sun I refuse to give up everything Drowning my sun I have too much within me Drowning the son In semen and perversion Drowning your son In filth and infection Drowning your sun In twisted genetics Drowning my sun With soothing deception What the fuck have you done to me? I have something that I can't shake off Just another thing I have to maintain Just another thing to bring me shame
14.
Incest 03:34
I taste you Inside me Delicious So viscous The cycle Emptiness Continues And breathes And the shame That comes from Such a thing It tears me Suffocates And it's been Killing me Sometimes I Hate myself For what I Let us do But I can Not blame me Because I Can't blame you And all of Them who knew Just turned a Blind fucking Eye to what They had to Know would fuck Us up inside Such a bad Start to things That will not Go away How do I Get rid of This and just Grow away If there was Ever a Way to kill Innocence Oh we sure Did find it Now didn't We? I recall The time we Talked of it Why did we Do it, oh Because it Felt so good Remember? A fucked up Way to fill Emptiness That we both Surely feel Still, that does Not ever Seem to leave The darkest Thing that lives Inside me I'm tired of Feeling shame For something I cannot Change I never Thought these words Would spill from Me, but I Know it's just What I have To do to Deal with it We were so Young, there is No way we Knew what was Happening Because I still Don't know what Happened then All I know Is that it Fucked with a Lot of things And it leads Me to my Next darkest Thing I wonder If you have Ever done The same I wonder If you have Ever felt That shame...
15.
Paraphilia 05:55
My heart fades out and my desires grow young Memories leave of all the protests I've sung My eyes glue to a grand exploitation It's something I oppose but just add inflation My shame finds it's way all over my body Poking with care but causing a tear like a child's hobby My mouth opens and I look away And I return to the sick and the sane Gasping for breath It's bitter and salty Wishing for death I'm always so sorry Children exploited All mine I cast I am just always Felating my past But what can anyone expect of me? A horrible coping, done young, done mindlessly And predisposition – the largest trauma source I've tried so hard to change the course I hopelessly find myself looking at it Blood starts flowing into something sick From my eyes, to my skin, and down the tub drain I'm so sorry I help fuel all this pain I'm so sorry I feel insane This skin's a sin But there's just such an innocence I'm craving the past It's all about me I'm bathing the past With shameful semen
16.
I hate the way I feel about things. I hate the way that innocent, lovely things can just shred me to pieces. I hate jealousy. I hate emptiness. I hate feeling worthless. I hate being pathetic. I hate not smiling. I hate the fact that I have so many amazing people who love me, and who I love, yet I can feel so desperately alone around them. I hate knowing it's never going to get better. I hate hating it when they smile and I'm lost. I hate isolating myself. I hate being excluded. I hate excluding myself. I hate when I can't enjoy life, although there's so much of it to enjoy. I hate hating myself. I hate reacting the way I do inside sometimes. I hate feeling hopeless. I hate the way I feel empty most of the time. I hate how I've always felt empty. I hate the horrible thing my father did to leave, and I hate the repercussions it had on me. I hate only feeling bitterness and anger when I think of my father. I hate feeling shame when I think of myself. I hate feeling like I'm trapped inside myself. I hate feeling desperate. I hate that I want to enable myself because I don't feel like I can fix anything. I hate the sexual and psychological dysfunction I'm destined to have. I hate that I have to maintain something that I've been cursed with. I hate the shame that comes from it. I hate looking into the future and seeing myself as someone I hate. I hate my father. I hate how empty I am. I hate how fucked up I am. I hate being alive sometimes. I hate how I cut myself. I hate how I feel like I deserve to be cut. I hate the way it makes me cry because of the shame. I hate missing my innocence. I hate being filthy and wilting. I hate how much I hate myself. I hate the anxiety I have. I hate not knowing who I am. I hate being confused about my sexuality, even though I know it doesn't matter. I hate that I'm triggered so easily. I hate feeling sad. I hate being led on. I hate that every time I get attached to somebody, they leave me, even though it's due to circumstance. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling like no one cares about me at all. I hate feeling alone. I hate not having someone I can fully commit myself to anymore, and who won't commit themselves to me. I hate feeling like I'm a good person but no one notices. I hate how weak I am. I hate how cowardice I can be. I hate that I even let other people's opinions of me affect me. I hate that I'm not comfortable with myself physically. I hate feeling like I'm in the wrong body. I hate feeling disgusted with myself. I hate wanting to kill myself. I hate it when it just feels all wrong. I hate it when I realize self-incongruences. I hate that I feel wrapped up in shame most of the time. I hate that I loose ambition. I hate that I have great ideas that I never act on. I hate that I'm lazy. I hate how I will stop being friends with someone instead of working on maintaining the friendship. I hate feeling predetermined. I hate feeling stupid. I hate how low I can get. I hate how low I am right now...
17.
Useless 04:14
Cut apart my tongue and consume the insects that crawl out of that useless muscle that I have tried to swallow Pinch and tear this horrid flesh that I wish I could change into something pure and absolute Rip out these vocals chords that only vibrate senselessness and useless things. It's perfect when you don't listen My eyes do not see a single thing that will wrap it's loving arms around me because I don't deserve it

credits

released April 18, 2008

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The Trying Cincinnati, Ohio

The Trying is a solo music project from Chris Kaetzel. I blend sounds from a wide array of genres and influences to create a unique sound to encapsulate a myriad of emotions and topics. My lyrics are always genuine, no matter the content, and that is a major driving force behind The Trying. ... more

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