1. |
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2. |
Violet
04:01
|
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Black, but not cold
Expensive, but not gold
Such a pretty girl with a rainbow in her head
A liar, but not a cheat
Not broken, but you're beat
And if you didn't hate yourself, you would finally see
Violet has no heart
Violet is so smart
Violet is perplexed
Violet is a wreck
Tearing back and forth
Thinking does not work
She cannot cake up on her makeup quick enough to breath
Violet is so sweet
Violet is so weak
Violet is a whore
Violet is such a chore
Violet, sweetheart, you are so beautiful
Please keep it all in your stomach
Violet, lovely, we all feel overwhelmed
Please keep that razor away from your skin
Violet, sweetness, the magazines and television are not real
Please understand that's so far from the truth
Violet, honey, your sexuality is not the only thing you have to give
You know you're not ready to give it away
Violet, you're special
Violet, you're beautiful
Violet, your mind's sharp
Violet, such an innocent heart
|
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3. |
Scarlet Scourge
04:01
|
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And this is just how it goes
And this is just the way it's always been
Magnetized hearts torn by circumstance
All a part of this terrible fucking dance
There's a hole tied behind bars
The mouth drools desire at matter
Let me see your sweet fucking heart
Tear it away from contracting throat
And my insides pucker from the bitterness
Show my amazing hand just to lose, cunt
My heart, hands, and hip bones turn green
Kill me and wake me from this dream
Tenderness that fearlessly lets itself puncture
Air escapes that slut-heart vacuum
Hold each other close and it's right
Parasitic engulfing of what's so clear
My eyes tear and tear
Into an angry white tornado
The crest breaks to reveal nudity
All of this is an abandoned hoax
Take it all away
I'm fearless
Predetermined
I'm hopeless
This place tears me apart
It's always what would save me
Maybe one day I'll be able
To hold onto something
I'm fucking worthless
I can't get myself out of these messes
There's a breaking of a dead soul
Melt the lubricant from my putrid desire
|
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4. |
Triggers
04:35
|
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You know what would spice up today?
A little bit of tragedy
If you were to die today
It would complete my dream
Gnaw my heartstrings to my liking
The lining tears so comfortably
I have this void I sometimes call home
It's the most horrible place I have known
Today I dreamt you dried to kill yourself
And you made this frequent dream real
The empty solace again twisted my health
This is where I belong, in Hell
Selfishly I'll take the anxiety away from you
I need it so much more than you do
I'm falling down and it distorts
Here's my chance to make a choice
To turn away or love what hurts
I'll use this charred heart, not my voice
|
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5. |
Numb To Love
05:15
|
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I have all of you, yet at times it feels like none of it matters, I'm by myself
The emptiness just keeps driving all of everything and keeps me from loving life
I know you all are there
But it's so hard to see you
I want so bad to feel you
But I can't even feel me
I owe my life to all of you
But I don't even want it
I just want to kill what
This void has worked so hard to destroy
Sad, sick and hopeless
I'm so fucking sick
Fucked, dead and drowning
My whole is dead
Weak, scared and shaking
Will this ever go away?
Torn, hurt and wilting
I just want to stop hurting
It hurts so bad
I've been ripped off
It hurts so bad
I've been cut off
It hurts so bad
And I just can't
Stop feeling so
Fucking turned off
It hurts so bad
It’s like the closer I get to you, the more insignificant I become
|
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6. |
||||
Deeper and deeper down
Further and further away
More black, more decay
Less hope, less gray
When the mirrors have sank
And all the good draws blank
You begin to raise your own rank
As you drift to the bottom of the tank
“I'm better, I'm better”
You say as you wither
Worms creep and they slither
Remember, “I'm better”
As you depart from the rest of the world
A world that you and circumstance rejected
You allow your loathsome self to unfurl
The truth has never been more neglected
Think of the standards
To which you've obtained
And no one else has
They all should be ashamed
Run to your elitism
It will keep you safe
And run from your fear
There's nothing but truth there
You pick apart all of them
When it really is yourself
Because you're just too afraid
To admit that you need help
|
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7. |
Another Lost Father
05:11
|
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He appeared so quickly
I was comfortable
He made sure that I was
Because he cared for me
He made my mother so happy
And because of that
He made me happy
We were all happy
And then he got sick
He just got so sick
And all of us did too
But we were all happy
Both of us had our problems
The chemo fucked with him
And my anger fucked with me
I wished he would die
And when I saw him taking pills
When he thought no one was looking
It flared me up greater than anything
How could he do that to her?
I watched you melt into that chair
The ambulance came and took you away
Was the overdose worth it?
How good did that oxycontin feel?
You went into the hospital
For the last time on my birthday
And that was the last time you'd be out
You'd never grace our home again
Mom would tell me things
About how you were getting worse
You were always getting worse
I never thought much of it
Then that morning I got a call
He was taken to the ICU
And that's where you stayed
And that's where we stayed
And it wasn't until I was with you
Alone, beside your death bed
Holding your hand and crying
That you were my father
So again, I lost my father
That was it, I was done
I'm never loving again
I'm never fucking loving again
|
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8. |
Betrayal
04:58
|
|||
You brought him into this place
This place
This safe place
Our safe place
And made it a fucking war zone
I swallowed my tongue for you
My tongue
Swollen
Bleeding
And it kept me choking
Gasping for air...
You promised that would never happen
But it spread rampant through our home
Silent
Nervous
Dying
I hate what was allowed to happen....
So I stayed away from there
Our home
His home
No one's home
I watched it dissolve into a house
You let him tear me apart
His words
His hate
My stitches
I stitched all of it up for you
You put me in a position
That tore me apart
For you? For me?
I chose you
I was convinced anything else
Anything else was selfish
I did nothing...
I let him kill me, for you
I tied my hands for you
I ate my tongue for you
I looked away for you
I was betrayed by you
Betrayed
|
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9. |
XX XY
02:36
|
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XX
XY
XX
XY
Confused
XX
XY
XX
XY
And trapped
XX
XY
XX
XY
Inside
XX
XY
XX
XY
Maybe
It's been so long I have wondered if I
Was inside something that was just so wrong
It's something that has been dragging me down
I can feel so disgusted by myself
I've laid so long with both sides of people
And I cannot say that I have preference
With love and comfort I do chose one
With myself, I feel I am the wrong thing
Confusion riddles me so
I wish I could just understand
That way I could just live it
Closer to accepting me
Twist it, mix it, mold it, shun it, fear it
I simply just feel like I'm in the wrong skin
My eyes don't see who I feel I should be
This is not even something I can give in
Who am I and who do I love?
|
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10. |
Webs
03:07
|
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Dramatic webs woven in wicked ways
Wither and kill as they go away
Top off the cake with bitter ice
And melting feelings shout the vice
Enter into the static chromatic influence
And cut yourself on the hair, so fine
Dramatic webs woven in wicked ways
Wither and kill as they go away
Chew on the cud that makes you whole
Putting glee into your soul
Minute quantity of winter air
And there is just no way to share
So I'll sit back with infinite patience
And hope to hear, but I don't want to listen
Staying sad isn't what I want, but it's right
Despair is oh so cold and dark, like night
Butterflies dance about
And I want to be so happy
But things are in the way
Things we cannot say
What circumstances have been dealt
Slowing down what we've felt
And if this was read, I wonder if they'd know
Damn this solace that is woe
Hearts, so desire and contract the mindless
So burrowed and hallowed, kill the defiant
So lovely and blue, such a pretty decision
And these hearts take poisonous incisions
Who shall mark this greed with hunger and lust?
Can't drive such a heart to get caught in the muck
And infinite, such braids of confusion
And the hearts take poisonous infusions
Rip off the scab and expose the cleanliness
And wanting to rid such a horrible pretense
Dive into the lake of serenified lobotomy
And the hearts are poisonous inside of me
Two days – objectify the touch
Heartache – infatuated rust
Inner – contactifiable
Reason – just must let go
And so pretty this ulcer is
Getting in the way of everything
Can I really feel these things?
Happy discord confliction it brings
Remembering things in abstract proportions
Things that look like mental abortions
And riddles of hate and anger do sing
Why would I do such terrible things?
A daunting revival of popular dramatics
Mellow, so insane and in love with it
Treason without ever defying a thing
Things are negative and plentiful
Finished intestines gleam with such beauty
And so funny as I desire this for me
And black spots and light spots, all the same
Insane, insane, insane, insane
I don't understand, this is so scary
Filling my thoughts, making things buried
And art chokes this throat and makes me fall
But this makes me not able to recover at all
Outside – this looks so sick
Inside – it's not so bad when you're in
Too bad – I never live inside
Wonder – that is always my mind
It's different when you're there
'Cause everybody cares
And too real of an existence
These things fall away into dispense
|
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11. |
An Excuse To Be Weak
06:06
|
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I will cut my smile away
I paste what doesn't fit to make me feel better
Because it looks like it might...
But the picture together
Whole and where everything may need to be
Feels unusually cold to me
My infantile life support still is
And I can't help but shine it
But I feel like the autumn leaf
Waiting to fall
I find myself down, dark
Filth I play in I love
I slip to sadness....
And I will soar
Soar within ruins free
I will see everything I never cleaned up
I will see what constrains me
And I will soar
Soar within ruins free
I will see everything I never cleaned up
I will see what constrains me
I will cut my smile away
I paste what doesn't fit to make me feel better
Because it looks like it might...
And I will fuck this taboo sore I create
Just pile upon another mask
I wish I could start from the beginning
But know what I do now
I'm laying next to the torn metal, torn
We thought I was going to get up
I'm laying next to the torn metal, torn
We picked the glass from my face
I'm laying next to the torn metal, torn
We could've sworn we saw me walking
I'm laying next to the torn metal, torn
I'm laying torn
And I will soar
Soar within ruins free
I will see everything I never cleaned up
I will see what constrains me
And I will soar
Soar within ruins free
I will see everything I never cleaned up
I will see what constrains me
Wallow and
Wallow and
Drown and I'll
Wallow and
Fuck me
For trying to do so
Seething and
Seething and
Seeing me
Seething with
Everything
I never fixed
You can't plant a tree on dead soil
But we'll try to anyway
You can't plant a tree on dead soil
But it's the only soil we have
You can't plant a tree on dead soil
We could've sworn we saw it growing
We did.....
And I will soar
Soar within ruins free
I will see everything I never cleaned up
I will see what constrains me
I am as hopeless as the blindfold in which I tie myself.
I am as hopeless as the blindfold in which I tie
I am as hopeless as I
I am not as hopeless as I feel
I am not as hopeless as these perceptions I force myself to feel
I am not as hopeless as these perceptions I force myself to feel because I need an excuse to be weak
|
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12. |
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13. |
Drowning The Son
05:05
|
|||
Drowning the son
As you stuck it in her mouth
Drowning your son
You were filling up my lungs
Drowning your sun
As you stuck it in their mouths
Drowning my sun
You were holding my nose
Drowning the son
And as you were taken away
Drowning your son
You secured all this pain
Drowning your sun
Shame and shit just came and came
Drowning my sun
The worst kind of change
Drowning the son
There goes my best friend
Drowning your son
There go all my friends
Drowning your sun
Mouth fucked my best friend
Drowning my sun
After I touched your skin
Drowning the son
The source of everything
Drowning your son
I keep losing anything
Drowning your sun
This keeps stabbing me
Drowning my sun
It lives inside of me
Drowning the son
I can see out your eyes
Drowning your son
I hate what it's done to me
Drowning your sun
I refuse to give up everything
Drowning my sun
I have too much within me
Drowning the son
In semen and perversion
Drowning your son
In filth and infection
Drowning your sun
In twisted genetics
Drowning my sun
With soothing deception
What the fuck have you done to me?
I have something that I can't shake off
Just another thing I have to maintain
Just another thing to bring me shame
|
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14. |
Incest
03:34
|
|||
I taste you
Inside me
Delicious
So viscous
The cycle
Emptiness
Continues
And breathes
And the shame
That comes from
Such a thing
It tears me
Suffocates
And it's been
Killing me
Sometimes I
Hate myself
For what I
Let us do
But I can
Not blame me
Because I
Can't blame you
And all of
Them who knew
Just turned a
Blind fucking
Eye to what
They had to
Know would fuck
Us up inside
Such a bad
Start to things
That will not
Go away
How do I
Get rid of
This and just
Grow away
If there was
Ever a
Way to kill
Innocence
Oh we sure
Did find it
Now didn't
We?
I recall
The time we
Talked of it
Why did we
Do it, oh
Because it
Felt so good
Remember?
A fucked up
Way to fill
Emptiness
That we both
Surely feel
Still, that does
Not ever
Seem to leave
The darkest
Thing that lives
Inside me
I'm tired of
Feeling shame
For something
I cannot
Change
I never
Thought these words
Would spill from
Me, but I
Know it's just
What I have
To do to
Deal with it
We were so
Young, there is
No way we
Knew what was
Happening
Because I still
Don't know what
Happened then
All I know
Is that it
Fucked with a
Lot of things
And it leads
Me to my
Next darkest
Thing
I wonder
If you have
Ever done
The same
I wonder
If you have
Ever felt
That shame...
|
||||
15. |
Paraphilia
05:55
|
|||
My heart fades out and my desires grow young
Memories leave of all the protests I've sung
My eyes glue to a grand exploitation
It's something I oppose but just add inflation
My shame finds it's way all over my body
Poking with care but causing a tear like a child's hobby
My mouth opens and I look away
And I return to the sick and the sane
Gasping for breath
It's bitter and salty
Wishing for death
I'm always so sorry
Children exploited All mine I cast
I am just always
Felating my past
But what can anyone expect of me?
A horrible coping, done young, done mindlessly
And predisposition – the largest trauma source
I've tried so hard to change the course
I hopelessly find myself looking at it
Blood starts flowing into something sick
From my eyes, to my skin, and down the tub drain
I'm so sorry I help fuel all this pain
I'm so sorry
I feel insane
This skin's a sin
But there's just such an innocence
I'm craving the past
It's all about me
I'm bathing the past
With shameful semen
|
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16. |
I Hate This Song
04:47
|
|||
I hate the way I feel about things.
I hate the way that innocent, lovely things can just shred me to pieces.
I hate jealousy.
I hate emptiness.
I hate feeling worthless.
I hate being pathetic.
I hate not smiling.
I hate the fact that I have so many amazing people who love me, and who I love, yet I can feel so desperately alone around them.
I hate knowing it's never going to get better.
I hate hating it when they smile and I'm lost.
I hate isolating myself.
I hate being excluded.
I hate excluding myself.
I hate when I can't enjoy life, although there's so much of it to enjoy.
I hate hating myself.
I hate reacting the way I do inside sometimes.
I hate feeling hopeless.
I hate the way I feel empty most of the time.
I hate how I've always felt empty.
I hate the horrible thing my father did to leave, and I hate the repercussions it had on me.
I hate only feeling bitterness and anger when I think of my father.
I hate feeling shame when I think of myself.
I hate feeling like I'm trapped inside myself.
I hate feeling desperate.
I hate that I want to enable myself because I don't feel like I can fix anything.
I hate the sexual and psychological dysfunction I'm destined to have.
I hate that I have to maintain something that I've been cursed with.
I hate the shame that comes from it.
I hate looking into the future and seeing myself as someone I hate.
I hate my father.
I hate how empty I am.
I hate how fucked up I am.
I hate being alive sometimes.
I hate how I cut myself.
I hate how I feel like I deserve to be cut.
I hate the way it makes me cry because of the shame.
I hate missing my innocence.
I hate being filthy and wilting.
I hate how much I hate myself.
I hate the anxiety I have.
I hate not knowing who I am.
I hate being confused about my sexuality, even though I know it doesn't matter.
I hate that I'm triggered so easily.
I hate feeling sad.
I hate being led on.
I hate that every time I get attached to somebody, they leave me, even though it's due to circumstance.
I hate feeling sorry for myself.
I hate feeling like no one cares about me at all.
I hate feeling alone.
I hate not having someone I can fully commit myself to anymore, and who won't commit themselves to me.
I hate feeling like I'm a good person but no one notices.
I hate how weak I am.
I hate how cowardice I can be.
I hate that I even let other people's opinions of me affect me.
I hate that I'm not comfortable with myself physically.
I hate feeling like I'm in the wrong body.
I hate feeling disgusted with myself.
I hate wanting to kill myself.
I hate it when it just feels all wrong.
I hate it when I realize self-incongruences.
I hate that I feel wrapped up in shame most of the time.
I hate that I loose ambition.
I hate that I have great ideas that I never act on.
I hate that I'm lazy.
I hate how I will stop being friends with someone instead of working on maintaining the friendship.
I hate feeling predetermined.
I hate feeling stupid.
I hate how low I can get.
I hate how low I am right now...
|
||||
17. |
Useless
04:14
|
|||
Cut apart my tongue and consume the insects that crawl out of that useless muscle that I have tried to swallow
Pinch and tear this horrid flesh that I wish I could change into something pure and absolute
Rip out these vocals chords that only vibrate senselessness and useless things. It's perfect when you don't listen
My eyes do not see a single thing that will wrap it's loving arms around me because I don't deserve it
|
The Trying Cincinnati, Ohio
The Trying is a solo music project from Chris Kaetzel. I blend sounds from a wide array of genres and influences to create a unique sound to encapsulate a myriad of emotions and topics. My lyrics are always genuine, no matter the content, and that is a major driving force behind The Trying. ... more
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